I had an MRI done about 2 days ago to see if we could figure out the cause of me fainting back in May (the day of the Chess tournament). Took about an hour to get done. Nearly fell asleep in the damn machine since I had to get 2 MRI’s done at the same time. Well anyways, today I got my results back and it turns out I have a cyst in my brain!
The nurse on the phone said my doctor reviewed it and doesn’t seem concerned. But my doctor that reviewed it with my nurse is my OBGYN. She technically isn’t someone who can clear me of any brain-related issues because her department is obstetrics and gynecology…Regardless, my doctor said it doesn’t look like cancer, and is probably just a cholesterol cyst. I’ve never heard of that before. It is 1.5cm so definitely not the smallest but also not the largest thing out there. Fun stuff to learn about while your pregnant huh!
I pretty much broke down after hearing the news because the first thing that came to my mind was my children. I only care about myself for the sake of my children. I’m ok with death. Or, I *was* ok with death until I had my baby. Now everything is for her. Everything is for my family.
I’ve been fortunate enough to experience all of the things i’ve ever wanted in my life. I’ve traveled everywhere, met amazing people, been behind the scenes for cool projects and events, tried new foods, amazing opportunities, have a beautiful home and my dream car and a great partner. None of it has ever truly mattered though. Especially on a deeper scale. I don’t care about anything if it doesn’t involve me and my children being together. There’s nothing more that I need. I am fulfilled with my children. I’ve only ever dreamed of being a mom. Everything I mentioned above was a bonus. So, this news really broke me since I don’t even want to imagine not seeing my kids grow up together. I don’t want to imagine a world where I can’t see my children grow old and experience all of the good things in life. A life where i’m unable to see them spend holidays with me decorating like a crazy woman, or me pulling up to their school recitals screaming like a psycho mother on crack.
This is (hopefully) just me being extreme at the moment, since my doctor and nurse really weren’t stressing me about getting seen asap.
One part of me wants to sit in a dark room and live in sadness for a bit. Darkness is almost a craving. That bottomless pit of emotions just bathing in dread and emptiness. Hollow. Like a labyrinth of sadness. A broken record. But the other part of me knows that mentally and physically, that does nothing for me. I’ve been severely depressed (way back in middle/high school up until 2017). I’ve been down that rabbit hole of isolation and hopelessness. I’ve seen the worst of it. There is nothing gained from it. For me (personally) depression is pity. Its a sickness feeding off of me. It makes me someone and something that I don’t ever want to be. The biggest time waster in the world.
***I can’t stress this enough, this is how I feel about my own personal depression. I’m not dismissing anyone elses versions and interpretations of depression.
I need to be strong for my daughters. For my family. And I know i’m capable of doing so. I am strong and I don’t need anyone to tell me that. So today, ill give myself just this day to be sad for a bit. To feel hopeless, think of the worst case-scenarios, the bad ending, the endless possibilities that could come out of this. Even though it could be absolutely nothing. I’ll let my mind go there just this once. But tomorrow, tomorrow is a new day. A new day to live in peace, happiness, and hopefulness. A day to start over and be strong for my kids. Be present. Be the person they’d want me to be. Live life like everything is normal and okay. Because realistically, deep down, I know its going to be ok.
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